i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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