I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
