I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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