8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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