Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
