My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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