I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Everything about him screamed your future.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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