All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
