Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize