I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
