i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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