My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Who died my cat blue again?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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