Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
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Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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