I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
