i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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