Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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