How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
