Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
