I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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