dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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