All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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