So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
