i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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