I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
