Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
