Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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