First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
