i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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