You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
