Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
