You can't special order awesome
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
