So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
