So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
