I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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