Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
