threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
