I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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