I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
