Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
