I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
