I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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