saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
