Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
