My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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