so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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