My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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