i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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