It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
