1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
