I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
