I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
