Apparently you make a good broom.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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