i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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