...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
