a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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