Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
