I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
