so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
