I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
