Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
