Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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